


Metamorphosis

by Anne_Fairchild



Series: Still Waters [4]
Category: Grantchester (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:16:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14623401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anne_Fairchild/pseuds/Anne_Fairchild
Summary: Leonard is both jealous and hurt when he figures out that Sidney and Phil are in  a relationship. Sidney would rather die than hurt him.





	Metamorphosis

**Author's Note:**

> If the sex reads awkwardly, it’s supposed to. Sidney just did not want to have sex with Leonard and it felt awkward and strained to both of them. I was just as glad when it was over as Sidney was. 
> 
> This is not to say that I wouldn’t attempt a different take on their relationship sometime, NOT in the Still Waters group of stories.

Leonard heard the car and saw its headlamps shining onto the front of the vicarage. He glanced out the window to see that it was the police detective, Wilkinson, dropping Sidney off after a crime lecture they’d both attended. He was about to go back to his book when something caught his attention. He froze, watching.

Wilkinson had gotten out of the car and the two men stood talking. There was nothing unusual about this to the casual observer - but the curate was neither a casual observer nor a disinterested stranger. As they continued to speak to each other, Leonard’s gaze narrowed. He felt a queasiness in the pit of his stomach, watching them - a crawling sixth sense. They spoke another few minutes and then Wilkinson got back into the car and drove off, leaving Sidney to come up the path to the door.

“Evening, Leonard,” Sidney greeted him with a smile. “Good book?”

Leonard stared, unblinking. His nostrils flared on detection of a new scent in the room.

“You’ve slept with him!” he blurted out, shocked and angry.

Sidney’s heart sank. He had hoped never to have this conversation with Leonard, and he wasn’t ready for it. He probably would never be exactly ready, but tonight definitely not.

“Leonard - “

“Don’t try to deny it!” Leonard shouted at him. “I can smell him on you.” Sidney could hear the rising pitch to his voice and knew the next level of conversation would be much less rational.

“I won’t,” he replied quietly. Leonard continued to stare, his pupils widened to the point of appearing solid black.

“How could you? WHY would you - what possible reason could you have to - to have sex with a man, and one who hates…what I am?” Leonard demanded, his voice continuing into hysterical fury. His use of the three letter word instead of sleeping with or making love to told Sidney exactly what Leonard’s judgment was.

“I can’t even try to tell you if you won’t calm down and listen to me,” Sidney replied relatively calmly.

“Calm down? That’s rich,” Leonard spat at him. Sidney sighed.

“Do you want to know? Do you want to hear what I have to say or not? Or do you just want to condemn me without knowing anything more? Because if that’s it, I’m going to bed and save myself more grief,” Sidney told him coldly.

Leonard glared at him for a moment, then turned his back and sat down.

“You’re not like me, and Daniel. I know you’re not. What on earth are you playing at, Sidney?” he asked.

“Will you listen to me? Really listen?”

“Yes.” Leonard’s voice had receded somewhat in both emotion and volume.

“Promise?”

Leonard gave an uncharacteristic, sarcastic snort of disbelief and scorn at the question, but looked up at Sidney and nodded.

“Yes.”

Sidney sat opposite him, passing a hand over his face and wishing desperately for a drink.

As if he could read his mind, Leonard shot out “And no alcohol to get you through it. Promise?” The unveiled malice in Leonard’s tone at the last word hurt.

“Yes,” he responded as unwillingly as Leonard had done.

“The very short answer is because I want to,” Sidney began, looking Leonard in the eye. “Because I’m attracted to him, and he to me. But it’s a lot more complicated than that. Only God knows all the whys, Leonard; I certainly don’t.”

“There are men and women attracted to each other, and men attracted to other men. One or the other.”

“With all your reading, you don’t know that there are also men and women attracted to both sexes, as well as women attracted only to other women? Not just one or the other, Leonard. Surely at the girls’ school where you taught, you had occasion to wonder, about pupils and teachers.”

“That only happened because - “

“Because there were no men around? Leonard, I gave you more credit than that.”

“If I didn’t know, it was because I never allowed myself to know. I didn’t dare to know.”

“Well - open your eyes, Leonard Finch. Life is here to be lived.” A flush came into Leonard’s cheeks.

“But the way you and Amanda - you were ready to leave the Church for her!”

“Yes, me and Amanda. And me and men, sometimes. But I don’t seem to ‘fall in love’ with men, in the way I loved Amanda or the way you love Daniel. I’m fond of them, care about them as well as desire them, and maybe even love them, but not in the way I loved Amanda,” he explained. “At least, never yet.”

“You’re using the past tense. Did you fall ‘out of love’ with Amanda?”

Sidney’s expression grew sad. “No. I will love her, and want her and miss her, until the day that I die. But I’ll destroy myself if I keep thinking about her, keep wanting her that much. I try to think of ‘having loved’ her and now she’s just…gone. It helps most of the time.”

“Of all people, how did you come to - ,” Leonard insisted, worrying at the idea of the police detective he believed to utterly detest homosexuals.

“It was an accident - literally. You remember the weekend you and Mrs C were both gone? Phil’s car had gone off the road in the snow, and I found him. He was injured. We…talked, and got to know each other a bit better. He went into hospital for a few days after that. I checked up on him afterwards.” Sidney hoped the half truth would satisfy Leonard, but saw the skepticism in his eyes.

“You got to know each other a bit better, did you?” Leonard rolled his eyes.

“You asked how we first came together - how we got to know each other. I’m telling you, but I don’t owe you every detail and I won’t betray him by relating our conversations to you,” Sidney retorted.

“He hates me, and Daniel, and everyone like us.” Leonard shook his head in disbelief. “He’s been plain enough about it. He’s just trying to trap you, Sidney, and you fell for it.”

“He’s hated himself, Leonard. He’s been through feeling a lot of what you’ve struggled with. But he’s sworn to uphold the law. He didn’t dare risk anyone having even the slightest idea, so he spoke in public the way he did about homosexual men because he was afraid not to - afraid that If he didn’t, one of his colleagues might guess one day. He doesn’t do that any more, Leonard, because he’s learning not to hate himself, as you are learning - I thought you were, anyway.”

“Because the randy vicar took him to bed. Fucked him.” Leonard’s viciousness shocked Sidney. “You can’t marry Amanda, or live in sin with her because the Church would know, they would see. She was so visible. So you fuck men in secret because that’s easier to hide.”

“Yes. Yes, in some ways it is easier to hide. But you of all people should know it’s not ‘easy’ at all,” Sidney flung at him. “And you have no more idea what we do when we’re alone together than I have about what you and Daniel do.

“Are you this angry because you think I’ve fucked him, as you so delicately put it, and you and Daniel haven’t - because you’re afraid? Why are you being so cruel about this? It isn’t like you,” Sidney frowned.

“ ‘It isn’t like me’? Maybe you don’t know what I’m like, or what I like, as much as you think you do, Sidney.”

“What IS really the matter, Leonard?” Sidney demanded, weary of the venom. “Out with it, if you have the guts.”

Leonard rose, and came to stand beside his chair.

“You know what I am. You’ve always known. If you wanted…needed another man, why didn’t you come to ME!” he shouted, his voice breaking. “Do I repulse you?”

The anger and the tension between them faded with that, leaving bewildered hurt on Leonard’s part and shock on Sidney’s. They stared at one another, breathing heavily, until Sidney saw Leonard’s eyes fill with tears, as Sidney’s already had.

“Oh Leonard,” he choked, “no, of course you don’t. That has nothing to do with anything. Nothing at all.” He reached out and grasped Leonard’s hand, holding it tightly, tugging so Leonard was forced to sit on the arm of his chair. “You’re my best friend.”

“What I feel for you - it’s more than you believe, not less. You’re my conscience. The brother I never had. My father, sometimes. You know me, inside and out. You’re always there for me, no matter what. That isn’t true of any lover I’ve ever had, man or woman,” Sidney told him. “I love you, very much, but it isn’t the desire kind of love. It’s more than that - so much more. I’m sorry, I can’t explain it any better,” he groaned in frustration.

Leonard had gone quiet.

“Honestly, Sidney?” he asked. “Don’t lie to me about this, it means too much.”

“I’ve never lied to you about anything important between us, Leonard. I’m not lying about Phil, and not about you and me,” Sidney insisted. “I do love you. In some ways you’re the most important person in my life. You’re very special to me. No one can ever take your place, in my life or in my affection. No one. Truly.” He leaned over to give Leonard a simple chaste kiss on the cheek - which immediately backfired.

“Will you…take me to bed? Just once. Just once and I’ll never mention it again, or Phil, or anything else.”

“Knowing that I don’t feel that way about you? Why, Leonard?”

“Because I need to whether…know how I feel…what I feel. Please.”

Sidney sighed, giving in because he knew that whatever he did or didn’t say or do in future, it would never be enough if he said no to this.

He answered by standing and pulling Leonard into his arms for a genuine kiss - at least, as genuine as Sidney could manage. It made him feel very strange. Leonard’s response was neither reticent nor assertive. He didn’t back down or permit his shyness to make him hesitate or change his mind. The only feeling Sidney could put to it was determination; it was hardly romantic.

Without another word, Sidney took Leonard by the hand and led him upstairs to his room. The moon, just starting to wane, was bright enough through the window that he didn’t turn on the light.

‘Will you take me to bed?’ Leonard had asked. Sidney knew he couldn’t allow himself, under the circumstances, to seduce him. He just couldn’t do it. If his sexual desire for Leonard was little enough at best, ‘doing to’ a simply docile Leonard was impossible.

Phil had been inexperienced, but had also been eager, loving and willing, and as his experience and his confidence in himself grew, they had quickly become equal lovers with equal egos and desires in bed. Phil may have initially lacked a working knowledge of the mechanics, but he had been quick to gain confidence. Happiness and contentment feed more of the same, Sidney mused, smiling to himself at the memory of their afternoon. If Leonard wanted this, it had to be on more mature terms than he was displaying so far.

Sidney quickly stripped off his clothes and flung them over a chair, then looked expectantly at Leonard. If he thought Sidney was going to undress him, he was wrong. Leonard had to want this enough to throw caution to the wind and let his body lead him; if he couldn’t, Sidney wasn’t going to do it for him.

Leonard removed his clothes more slowly, folding them over a chair. He came to Sidney in silence. Sidney leaned down, pulled Leonard firmly against him and pressed his lips to those of his curate and best friend. Leonard allowed him to deepen the kiss, hesitantly opening to the probing of Sidney’s tongue. He did his best to return the kiss in kind, but Sidney felt no passion - certainly not from himself, but not from Leonard either. It just wasn’t there, any spark of what he needed to feel desired.

Sidney took a deep breath and moved towards the bed, Leonard landing beneath him. He began to move and touch as he would in pleasure with any lover, caressing, kissing, rubbing his body against Leonard’s. He wasn’t as aggressive as he would be with Phil - but he didn’t hold back either. He heard Leonard groan, then felt his entire body stiffen. Leonard tried to relax, tried to respond…but didn’t.

“Enough! Enough, Sidney. Don’t.”

Sidney didn’t think he had had ever been as glad to hear anything as he was to hear those words. He rolled off of Leonard to lie on his back. Leonard moved to get up, but Sidney put a hand out to stop him.

“You don’t have to go. I don’t want you to go. I just needed you to see - “

“Yes. All right.” Leonard moved to lie next to Sidney, who wasn’t sure whether the response was simple acquiescence, or his version of ‘shut up.’ . He said nothing for several minutes, then -

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought - You were right, Sidney. I just couldn’t…it didn’t…wasn’t - You were right. I’m so ashamed,” he admitted.

“It’s all right, Leonard. As you said, you needed to know - and now you do. And I’ll say it again until you believe it - I love you, and I don’t want to think of my life without you in it,” Sidney told him. “I love you for all the things you are to me already.”

“Thank you.” A subdued whisper in the darkness.

“I may be…backward in these matters, but when Daniel kisses me, even if I’m afraid of…of where it will lead, I still want him to do…more, whether I’m afraid or not,” Leonard confessed.

“That,” Sidney grinned in the dark, “is exactly how it should be.”

“And Phil makes you feel that way?”

“Yes. And I believe he feels the same.”

“Then I can’t hate him.”

“You’ve no reason to fear him, or to be jealous of him,” Sidney reminded him. “And I doubt you’re capable of hating anyone.”

“When you’re afraid, or he is - what lets you go on?”

“Trust, and desire. Maybe one or the other takes over, or it’s equal. Never underestimate the power of desire, Leonard. It’s not always a bad thing. Neither is experience,” Sidney suggested gently. “And sometimes the more you do and the more you know, the more you’re able to trust, to believe in the other person. It’s like jumping into someone’s arms from a high diving board in the middle of a hot summer - scary, but once you know what to expect it gets easier, and you find yourself looking forward to the jump knowing what comes after.”

“Am I hopeless, Sidney?”

“I don’t believe you are, and I doubt Daniel believes it either. The two of you are so right. If I had chosen for you, it would be someone just like Daniel. If I could give you only one bit of advice and no more, it would be to trust him. Let go. Let him take you where you want to go…where both of you want to go. He doesn’t want to hurt you, he only wants to be with you - to share with you. It’s what any two people want, Leonard,” Sidney finished gently.

“I’ve spent my entire life telling myself ‘no,’ Leonard sighed, “and now I think I’m too old to - “

“Now, that is being silly,” Sidney chided.

“I’m so afraid, and clumsy, and stup - “

“Which will win out, Leonard? Your fear, or your feelings for Daniel and what you can have with him? Just think about it, that’s all. Just think.”

“I think about it all the time,” Leonard groaned.

“But not,” Sidney guessed, “with a mind to do something about it. To make a firm decision. Give your body a voice, Leonard. What it wants is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what the Church says.”

“Yes. I will. Really,” Leonard promised. They lay in silence for a few minutes, and then Leonard sat up quietly and made to leave.

“You don’t have to go to your own room. Stay if you want to,” Sidney offered.

“Are you su - “

“I’d like it if you stayed, tonight.”

“Yes, all right,” Leonard agreed, pleased at the invitation and not about to waste it out of misplaced pride or embarrassment. “I’d like that too.” The two of them settled in under the blanket and slept the fitful sleep of the emotionally exhausted. Both took comfort in the presence of the other, almost lost to them forever.

When the early morning light wakened Sidney, he rose and put on his robe, then went into Leonard’s room to get his robe and brought it back. One never knew just when Mrs C might arrive to start breakfast.

Much to Sidney’s relief, when Leonard woke, although he was rather quiet, they were all right again.  Different, certainly. The wider understanding and the painful sharing would forever change their relationship, closing a door firmly on one part but opening the door wide to another.  Sidney hoped that Leonard would find the trade-off worth it.

 

                                                                           ***

 

The change in Leonard was so subtle, so gradual, that when he finally saw it, Sidney realized he had little idea when it began. His troubled curate was less severe, less serious in general. Things that used to throw him now might be occasion for a laugh and then getting on with whatever it was instead of worrying and struggling. The timid graveness he’d worn as a cloak seemed to have slipped from his shoulders permanently. He certainly wasn’t always smiling, but there was a difference. He took on tasks that Sidney gave him without complaint or protestations of doubt, and simply did them, and did them well. He’d gained a quiet confidence that made Sidney happy to see. He was grounded, where he hadn’t been before.

Leonard and Daniel seemed to have reached a new stage in their relationship, though it was nothing either of them said, or even did - at least in public. Ultimately, one evening at a church supper, Sidney saw them together, and knew. Leonard had taken his advice. It certainly seemed to have paid off, and Sidney was delighted. Far better late than never.

Daniel approached Sidney alone, drink and hors d'oeuvre in hand.

“Sidney, I want to thank you. Whatever you said to Leonard, it’s helped us. Both of us. Together and apart. We’re an ‘Us’ now in a way we weren’t before. It means a lot to me. Thank you,” Daniel told him sincerely.

“If I’ve been able to help in any way, I’m very glad,” Sidney assured him.

“He seems so settled and happy now. He’s stopped being afraid of me.”

“He wasn’t so much afraid of you, Daniel, as the feelings he had for you that made him want…other things. It hurt to see him on the edge like that. I just suggested - well, one or two things to him. The rest is all Leonard.”

“We’re so happy, Sidney. We can both see a future. It won’t be easy, but it’s out there for us to work for. I know we have you to thank.” Daniel took both of Sidney’s hands and squeezed them gently. “Thank you for our life together.  I’m glad you have your detective sergeant, keeping the two of you occupied.” Or whatever the two of you get up to in your secret afternoons was the unspoken finish.  The term ‘hot monkey sex’ was not yet in existence, but it’s precisely what Leonard and Daniel thought must be going on between Sidney and Phil. Truthfully, they weren’t far wrong, although that was not all there was between Sidney and Phil. And while Leonard and Daniel had no such aspirations, neither did Leonard entirely shy away from the idea as he once would have. It was all good, for now - and now was all they could hope for. So they would live in the moment and be happy there for as long as Time gave them.


End file.
